Chloe-Palooza. It started as a vague apparition of an idea 6 months ago, now in 17 days it will become a reality. Somewhere in that time (and I don't know when) it changed from a noun, to a verb. It drives my every waking moment. In 18 days it will be all over. The fate of our future hangs in the balance. What if I say or do the wrong thing between now and then and ruin it? What if I have delusional thoughts of grandeur and the only people who show up are the people who have worked so hard at making this event a sucsess and guy at CVS I guilted into coming? What if it rains? What if we do make the goal, the house becomes a reality and I am forced to deal with the realization that I know but won't admit to, that no matter what we do, we can't cure her. What if, we don't make our goal, we can't build our house, we continue to live in this house, the kids get sicker, she gets worse and in a few years we have to put her in a nursing home because we can't take care of her here. What if my what ifs continue to fuel this perpetual stress headache I've had for three days now and my head actually explodes. I know, I know, I need to stop with the what ifs. But if you try and tell me that you don't do the what ifs I'll call you a liar. Plain and simple. I struggle every day with giving my what ifs over to God. I know that's what I should do but somewhere between my brain KNOWING I need to give it to God and the part of the fibers in my body that cling to the what ifs like its life blood there is this war. I know it's a war because it's set up triage in that space in my jaws that clinch and fuel the headaches. It's dumb. I know He's got this. I do. I know this with certainty because He sent me Laura. See, Cinderella had a fat, grey haired fairy godmother in a blue mu-mu. I have a size 5, blonde fairy godmother in the hottest leopard print stilettos I have ever seen. And she doesn't have a magic wand, she has a smartphone that she wields like a light saber. I'm sure she has what ifs, like what if Jessica has a meltdown and makes hours more work for me, what if Jessica forgets her NAME on camera again or what if it rains?? If she does have what if moments I don't know about them. But I do know 4 things: God does have this. God sent Laura into our lives. Our lives will never be the same because of her, and Lastly, we can never repay her. God gets all the glory! Laura gets all the thanks and the What Ifs get all the Tylonal.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
What ifs and Fairy Godmothers
Chloe-Palooza. It started as a vague apparition of an idea 6 months ago, now in 17 days it will become a reality. Somewhere in that time (and I don't know when) it changed from a noun, to a verb. It drives my every waking moment. In 18 days it will be all over. The fate of our future hangs in the balance. What if I say or do the wrong thing between now and then and ruin it? What if I have delusional thoughts of grandeur and the only people who show up are the people who have worked so hard at making this event a sucsess and guy at CVS I guilted into coming? What if it rains? What if we do make the goal, the house becomes a reality and I am forced to deal with the realization that I know but won't admit to, that no matter what we do, we can't cure her. What if, we don't make our goal, we can't build our house, we continue to live in this house, the kids get sicker, she gets worse and in a few years we have to put her in a nursing home because we can't take care of her here. What if my what ifs continue to fuel this perpetual stress headache I've had for three days now and my head actually explodes. I know, I know, I need to stop with the what ifs. But if you try and tell me that you don't do the what ifs I'll call you a liar. Plain and simple. I struggle every day with giving my what ifs over to God. I know that's what I should do but somewhere between my brain KNOWING I need to give it to God and the part of the fibers in my body that cling to the what ifs like its life blood there is this war. I know it's a war because it's set up triage in that space in my jaws that clinch and fuel the headaches. It's dumb. I know He's got this. I do. I know this with certainty because He sent me Laura. See, Cinderella had a fat, grey haired fairy godmother in a blue mu-mu. I have a size 5, blonde fairy godmother in the hottest leopard print stilettos I have ever seen. And she doesn't have a magic wand, she has a smartphone that she wields like a light saber. I'm sure she has what ifs, like what if Jessica has a meltdown and makes hours more work for me, what if Jessica forgets her NAME on camera again or what if it rains?? If she does have what if moments I don't know about them. But I do know 4 things: God does have this. God sent Laura into our lives. Our lives will never be the same because of her, and Lastly, we can never repay her. God gets all the glory! Laura gets all the thanks and the What Ifs get all the Tylonal.
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Stop it. I am a small pawn in a very very very big plan that God has. I am so so small in all of this. You and your family and especially Chloe have my heart. Much love and let the prayers rain down.
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